This was not a new show for us. This was in fact the fourth time we had seen this – including the reopening performance after covid on 26th October 2021. It is a particular favourite of my son’s and when we heard it was closing we immediately booked – albeit cheap tickets on the back row of the Grand Circle!

I’ve written about Dear Evan Hansen before, when I was asked by the British Psychological Society to write an article looking at the way the subject matter was approached in the musical theatre genre. You can read that here – https://www.bps.org.uk/psychologist/their-song-could-be-our-song

I’m not writing this post as a review – there are many reviews about the show and there is probably not much I could add. Instead I want to write about this particular performance and why the show has such a powerful effect. This could get personal!

We knew this would be emotional. And indeed Sam Tutty (Evan) was crying before he even started the show. I remember the re-opening night where the applause when he picked up the laptop at the start of the show went on for 30 seconds (as filmed by a cast member from the wings). Not surprisingly it was similar this time. And that set the format for the night. Each song was greeted with huge applause and cheers. I was beginning to feel a bit sorry for people who were just there to watch it and not specifically because it was the last night (as I suspect was the case with the huge school party in front of us!

Lucy Anderson and Sam Tutty

‘Waving Through a Window’ got to me. There is a moment in it where it almost stops before coming back in with the full company singing. Musically it is a fantastic moment, but when you see it staged it is even more so and is one of my favourite bits. It suddenly occurred to me that although I could listen to it again, I would not experience that moment visually.

Before I knew it, it was the final number of Act 1, and the show’s anthem ‘You Will Be Found’. After the line ‘when you need a friend to carry you’ Sam Tutty stopped, clearly struggling to keep going. The audience erupted in cheers and applause. Suddenly he had nearly 900 friends carrying him through that song. Following that three out of the four of us spent the interval sobbing and recovering.

Act 2 continued in the same vein. The emotion on stage was apparent for all to see, with ‘So Big So Small’ and ‘Words Fail’ hitting especially hard. Then came the final number and again Sam Tutty faltered. And of course none of us could blame him. 

There were of course speeches after the bows. If you want to have a listen then you can find them on All That Dazzles’YouTube channel – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6wV9Q-DozKU

And so now the personal bit …

I first heard about this show through my son and as soon as the London run was announced we booked. I knew the songs, but hadn’t really pieced together the story. So it was only when I watched it in November 2019 that the impact of it really hit me.

Much has been said about the problematic nature of the show. Don’t get me wrong – there ARE problems. Evan is not a likeable character and people feel that he doesn’t get what he deserves for his actions. This is something that the 2021 film version attempts to resolve – with mixed success. Much has also been said about the issues that Evan is dealing with. It is very clear that he suffers from social anxiety, but is there more than that. If you google ‘is Evan Hansen …’ the first option that comes up is ‘autistic’. It is never stated that he is – neither in the musical nor the book adaptation which does give us a lot more detail about Connor, but not about Evan. 

As someone who is autistic I can see a lot of me in Evan – especially when I think back to when I was an undiagnosed teenager. This is where the show hits a nerve with me and is why I feel drawn to it. I also suffered from social anxiety though not to the extent that Evan does. But even now, as an adult I struggle with new situations and although I want to be social I find it difficult. There have definitely been many moments in my life where ‘Waving Through a Window’ seems to have been written about me.

And this is the thing – I DON’T think Evan is as ‘bad’ as a lot of people make out. Was what he did nice? No, not really. But was he being devious and doing it all for personal gain> As Heidi, Jared, and Alannah sing – ‘so you got what you always wanted.’ And yes, he did. He finally felt like he existed. He felt like he mattered. He gets swept up in the events. Initially spurred on by Jared, Evan feels an obligation to the Murphy family to try and help make things better. But it gets out of control. 

I can see how if, as a teenager, I had been in his position, I may have behaved in the same way. This probably goes for a lot of people. As Heidi says school is only easy for cheerleaders and football players. Unless you are popular it can be difficult. It reminds me of Alannah’s song that was written for the movie, ‘The Anonymous Ones’. I know from speaking to others that these are the sort of people who really identify with the musical and have a passion for it because of that identification.

As a parent – and a parent of teenagers – I also identify on a different level. Children don’t come with instructions. I completely get the opening number.

Does anybody have a map?

Anybody maybe happen to know how the hell to do this?

I don’t know if you can tell

But this is me just pretending to know

This is one of the beauties of the show. It’s not just a show about high school and trying to fit in. It is a show about families trying to get through life. Trying to navigate the world together – and not always succeeding. 

Theatre is my safe space. And Dear Evan Hansen was part of that safe space. It will be missed.

Closing night photos © Liz Heinrichs